i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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