Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
