Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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