I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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