I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
