Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
