i already hear my dad disowning me
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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