Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize