Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
