sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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