My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
