well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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