She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
