dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize