hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
