I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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