Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
