Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
