she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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