Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
