Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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