Do you still have your period?
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
