I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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