I am spending my child support on dildos
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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