I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
