Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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