I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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