guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
