my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
