Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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