help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
