I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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