hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
