The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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