I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
