So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
not ubering you a puppy
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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