This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
