she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
