I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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