When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
