that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
