This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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