guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
