Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
