I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize