Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Sober January is a disaster.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
