Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize