There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
