Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
