Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
