She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
