Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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