used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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