So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
