if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you win again, gameday.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
