eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
