my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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